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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I've got it in the bag

I actually do have it in the bag! My chiropractor tells me every week.

At each visit he lifts my purse and weighs it. He once clocked it in at 9 pounds.

It seems my purse and my butt have something in common, they are both getting bigger with age!
I have this weird attraction to big purses. The bigger the better. My purse is one size smaller than an airplane carry-on and one size bigger than a Sobey's bag.

My doctor told me to get rid of the big bags and downsize... and I did. I took everything out of my big bag and switched to a compact model. At my next visit the doctor noted the smaller purse then lifted it. "It still weighs as much as a small child!" she scolded me."It's smaller" I protested. "But you didn't lose any of the content! You don't need all the stuff in here!" she informs me.

So that night, I emptied the contents on top of my bed. My wallet weighed the most. So I decided to start there. Tucked in one side - 15 pictures of my kids. Starting with my son's kindergarten picture (He graduates from high school in June.) Then various Walmart Christmas poses of the kids together, me and hubby, hubby and kids, me and kids, etc. It dawned on me, I need to buy a photo album. They all have to go, except the latest pictures of the kids and the picture of me and hubby wearing cowboy hats, and the one of daughter wearing the angel wings and son's kindergarten picture. All the rest are going in a photo album.

On the other side of the wallet are receipts. Receipts from Walmart, Canadian Tire, Sobey's, Lawton's, etc. Apparently I shop a lot. The latest bill was from yesterday, so I need to keep that just in case I need to return that $7.00 T-shirt to Walmart. The oldest one was from 2010. A toaster I bought at Canadian Tire. I wonder if they'll take it back? I do have the bill!

I threw out a wad of bills that could choke a horse. Including the one for the $7.00 T-shirt from Walmart. If it falls apart I am just going to have to suck it up.

On the outside of the wallet is the zipper compartment that is swollen like a fat lip. I pour out the change and count $13.75. Lots of pennies. Am I the only one still using pennies? I blame most of my back problems on the Canadian Mint. Carrying around these loonies and toonies is hard work. I need to keep the change for coffee and parking meters. I put the pennies in my daughter's piggy bank.

Behind the zipper is a long slot for paper money. There's none there. Who carries money anymore? It's just an ATM and credit card. I need to keep both.

Now my wallet is about three pounds lighter.

On to the make-up bag.

It's full with blush, concealer, mascara, powder and four different colour lipsticks. It just occurred to me, it's the first time I've opened this make-up bag in about a year! I never use this make-up. I put it on in the morning at my make-up dresser and don't touch it again till later in the day. (I keep the necessities - lipstick and face power in a desk drawer at work.) I never use this make-up bag but I can't let it go. The purse seems lop-sided without it. I may need it someday. I know if I take it out tonight I'll go looking for it tomorrow. I may need to do a total make-over while waiting at a red light. I decide to take out three lipsticks but the bag stays.

At the bottom of the purse is an endless mess of tissues, Tic-tacs, nail-files, more receipts, more pennies, two more lipsticks. How did I become "The Old bag Lady?" My Mother once found a harmer and screw driver in hers.

I once found the TV remote in my purse. It had been missing for about a week. We searched every chair cushion and nook and cranny in the house but couldn't find it. I was at the check-out at Sobey's when I reached in to grab my wallet and pulled out the remote.

The truth is, you don't know what you're going to find in my purse when you put your hand in. I could be stranded on a desert island for months and survive on what's in my purse. It would be based on a strict diet of Tic-tacs and Lifesavers, my make-up would be perfect but hubby would be pissed that he finally got months of uninterrupted TV but couldn't change the channels.

So I down-sized to a "lighter" model. I can't give up the big purses, size does matter to a woman too. But I lost about five pounds in the process. I can't wait to visit my doctor to see what she has to say about my sudden weight-loss. My back does feel better.

Just like the weight of the "girl" has been taken off my shoulders!