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Thursday, March 7, 2013

The joy of being the worst Mom in the world

I told my daughter she could not dye her hair blue because: dye ruins your hair; blue hair will turn to silver and will make you look like your 65 years old in grade seven; I don't like it, you'll look like Marge

Simpson, it's just plain stupid.

Results: I am the worst Mom in the world.

This past weekend, I bought an electronic reader at an auction and gave it to her.

Results: I am the best Mom in the world

This morning I told her "You can wear a mini skirt to school . . . as long as you have leggings under it."

Results: I am the worst Mom in the world.

I feel like Taylor Swift at the music awards. I just get the trophy then it's snatched from my hands as I am about to give my acceptance speech.

This has been an ongoing battle for almost 13 years. We lock horns on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.
Mother's Day should be more than just one day. Sharks get a whole week on the Discovery Channel. We should get Mother's Month for the crap we have to manage.

The worst part of the fighting, is every time we're into a good knock-em-down-drag-em-out session, it looks very familiar to me. I've been here before . . . with my own Mother. I open my mouth and my Mother's voice comes out. She opens her mouth and my own teenage voice comes out.

My Mother got her final revenge: I am her, and I had a daughter just like me!

I have a bad habit of laughing and making jokes at inappropriate times. This doesn't help the situation much.

When my daughter was about seven years old, we were having a good row about her being on the internet without my permission. She tried to end the argument with the sword to the heart...

"YOU'RE THE WORST MOTHER EVER" . . . …. In her frustration and tears, she couldn't come up with another worst mother to compare me to so she went with . . . "SINCE THE VIRGIN MARY!"

My homicidal thoughts instantly dissolved into a fit of laughter.

"Since the Virgin Mary?" I asked her. "You do realize she traveled across a country on the back of a
donkey while she was nine months pregnant. You have to admit she was one kick ass Mother."

She slammed the bedroom door and sent vibrations through the house. "I think Mary was a great mother. It's an honour to be compared to her." I yelled from outside the door.

"Mary never took the internet away from Jesus!" she screamed. I opened the door a few inches and peaked in. She was sitting on her bed looking like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.

"He is the Son of God. I mean it's hard to punish a kid who walks on water." I saw the hint of a smile on her face and she quickly hid it by putting her arms over her head. "Go away!"

I thought to myself, "This is the danger of teaching kids about religion. They'll use it against you someday."

I tiptoed across her room and sat on her bed. I went through the dangers of little girls being on the internet and going to sites without their Mothers consent but you couldn't pry her arms off her head with a crow bar.

So I did what any tired, overworked and worn down Mother would do. I said, "Let’s go to Dairy Queen and get ice cream." She lifted her head and tried with all her might not to let the smile break through.

Twenty minutes later in the Dairy Queen drive-thru I became "The Best Mom in the World" again.

A friend of mine told me when your kids tell you you’re the worst Mom in the world, take it as a compliment because it means your doing your job.

If that’s the case, I know my daughter loves me, because she compliments me every day!