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Thursday, September 24, 2015

A Game of Thongs!

So I just bought my first pair of black leggings or jeggings. I am not sure what they are called anymore. I am trying to have an option to wearing the same jeans everyday (even though I have fifty pairs in my closet).

All the Fall fashion magazines have models wearing comfy sweaters, huge scarfs tied around their necks and black leggings, usually in leather but that’s only because they don’t live in a Northern climate like me. Wearing leather leggings in our climate literally means you will freeze the ass off yourself.

Even with all that wool surrounding their bodies, they still look like they haven’t eaten in months. I can’t pull that off.

A good friend of mine told me Spandex is a privilege not a right and unless I’ve been doing a hundred squats a day, I should stick to breathable cotton.

So breathable cotton leggings it was.

Leggings are basically black pantyhose with no feet. It’s not like sliding on jeans. I have to sit down in a chair just to be able to pull them over my feet. Then I inch them up my legs, over my hips and to my waist. It’s a good 20 minute workout.

I finally got them on only to discover I have two big problems:
1. Camel toe (To save you the trouble of Googling it, Wikipedia says “Camel toe is a slang term that refers to the outline of a woman's labia majora, as seen through tightly fitting clothes. Due to a combination of anatomical factors and the tightness of the fabric covering it, the crotch and mons pubis may take on a resemblance to the forefoot of a camel. Camel toe commonly occurs as a result of wearing tight fitting clothes, such as shorts, hotpants or swimwear.”

Not sure when they updated that last but I haven’t worn “hotpants” in a long time.

2. I literally have my panties in a bunch. You can see the outline of my underwear through the leggings!

So I Googled “How do you hide your underwear when wearing leggings?” Google came back with a list of websites to help women hide VPLs (Visible Panty Lines). Yes, apparently that’s another thing we have to deal with.

The bottom line is, VPLs are best hidden by wearing thongs. That’s right ladies. Thongs.

Now, I’ve already invested $40 in a pair of leggings so I am going to have to check out the thongs.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am big fan of comfortable underwear. Not just any comfortable underwear but they also have to hide the fact that I’ve had two children (both fat babies), possible cellulite (caused by said fat babies), bought a gym membership but will never use it, loves to eat, hates sit ups and they have to make me look like a Victoria Secret Model.

But to wear these leggings I will participate in this “Game of Thongs.”

Off to Victoria Secret I go.

I take the leggings with me and show them to the teenage salesgirl. I educate her on camel toe and my panties being in a bunch and ask for her expert opinion as a Victoria Secret Salesgirl on recommending a thong for a 51 year old woman.

I know she is screaming “I make minimum wage! I shouldn’t have to deal with this crap!” in her head.

She politely takes me to the thong section of the store then picks out some of the “best sellers” for me to try on then says “Over your panties!”

So I go into the change room and put the thong on over my panties, then the leggings but that was stupid because now you can see the panties and the thong and it looks like I am wearing a diaper. I decide to give in and buy the thong so I can try it on at home. Apparently the smaller the underwear the more expensive they are because the thong was almost $10.

At home I decide to get ready for the Fall runway. I put on my new thong and the leggings. Google was right! There are no panty lines. I am happy that I can wear my leggings without the dreaded VPLs plaguing women kind.

Then I walk the dog.

Word of advice. Don’t walk the dog while wearing a thong!

Ten minutes into our walk I start to feel like I am flossing myself in half. Twenty minutes into the walk I feel like I have performed surgery on myself. By the time I got home it felt like I had given birth to a hippo.

It took another twenty minutes to find the thong and get it off. I may need stitches.

Who created the thong anyway? I could only imagine some French guy with weird bondage issues.

I went back to my comfortable underwear, spend another twenty minutes pulling the leggings back on and stared at the camel toe.

Then I had what Oprah would call a “A-ha moment.” I discovered the cure for VPLs…. Long sweaters. That’s how you get rid of VPLs, long sweaters!

I win the game of thongs!